


you were beautiful

by insomnias



Series: if i could go back [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Getting Back Together, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Multi, i still dont know how to tag uh, milkshakes are a form of symbolism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 23:59:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11679795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insomnias/pseuds/insomnias
Summary: “Everything happens for a reason”is a saying Lee Jihoon has learned to live by.





	you were beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> uh im Back + if u havent read the first one i highly advise u do that first !!
> 
> alsO this is mostly unedited bc ive been working on it for so Long and i really . Dont wanna look at it ever again

_ “Everything happens for a reason”  _ is a saying Lee Jihoon has learned to live by. 

 

He truly believes everything from tripping over sidewalk cracks to your best-friend-slash-crush dying happens for a  _ reason _ . Sure, he doesn’t know what that reason is, exactly, but he’s sure there is one. He supposes looking like an idiot and realizing he needs certain people in his life are valid reasons.

 

Mingyu and Minghao left five months ago, and since then Jihoon’s been somewhere in between feeling numb and feeling too much.

 

Missing them is different from missing Junhui. Over time, the Junhui sting that was ever so prominent during the first year lessened to a scar that aches when it rains.

 

Jihoon thinks that missing Mingyu and Minghao feels like a constant dagger to the heart. 

 

He sees the two of them around quite a bit. They didn’t move very far. When he sees them, they’re always laughing or smiling or looking content just to be together. They always look like they belong together, like he was never meant to be a part of that in the first place. It makes Jihoon sick with regret and longing.

 

Most nights Jihoon’s thumb hovers over Minghao or Mingyu’s contact. It doesn’t matter which one. They’re always together, anyway.

 

When Jihoon draws them, it’s normally the two of them together. With Junhui, it was random details he adored. (Adores? He still isn’t quite sure on verb tenses with dead people.) With Minghao and Mingyu, however, it’s something like the two on the front steps; Minghao laughing and leaning into Mingyu, and Mingyu pouting with frosting on his nose.

 

Jihoon often calls Minghao from the payphone, sometimes. It always goes to voicemail. He listens to the outgoing message. The message is Minghao telling whoever’s calling to leave a message before he cuts himself off with a loud laugh and a “Mingyu, stop!” He always hangs up before the automated voice can tell him when to leave a message.

 

+

 

Minghao answers this time when Jihoon calls him. “Hello?” Jihoon is too shocked to say anything for a second. “Hello?” Minghao draws out the ‘o’.

 

Jihoon’s chest tightens and his voice cracks as he breathes out a shaky “Hey, Minghao.”

 

“Jihoon?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Do you need something? Are you okay? Whose phone is this? Are you hurt physically? Where are you? ” Minghao sounds worried. Worried about  _ him _ . It makes Jihoon feel light. His head spins and he thinks of an acceptable reason to call an ex after five and a half months of near radio silence.

 

“I…” He bites his lip. “I’m alright. It’s a payphone. I’m physically alright, and I don’t really know where I am or why I called you.” He winces, squeezing his eyes shut.

 

“Why a payphone? Where are you? It’s raining out! Do you even have an umbrella? Or a raincoat? I doubt it, knowing you. Can you see any signs?” Minghao still talks fast, Jihoon’s figured out. He’s still focused on the rain.

 

“My phone’s dead. It’s raining? I hadn’t noticed- oh. It is raining.” He hears Minghao sigh and ask him once again where he is. “Um, I’m not sure. There aren’t many places. Or road signs. I’m staying with Soonyoung and Wonwoo and I went for a walk. I got lost. I hope they aren’t worried! Oh no-”

 

“Jihoon, focus.” Minghao must have handed the phone to Mingyu. Mingyu’s voice is gentle. “What can you see?” Jihoon tells him about the McDonald’s and the bar and the Target he was in just a few minutes ago. “Alright, Minghao says to go to the McDonald’s and get a hot drink, we’ll be there soon.”

 

“How do you even know where I am?”

 

“Good point.” Minghao has his phone back. “Call us when you get there? Someone should know the address.” Jihoon nods before remembering Minghao can’t see him. He mutters something along the lines of a ‘yeah, okay.’ “Bye, Jihoon. See you in a bit. Please get that drink.”

 

\+ 

 

Jihoon’s sipping on a hot chocolate and sitting in a booth far away from the window when Minghao and Mingyu run in twenty minutes later, Mingyu holding an umbrella a bag clutched to Minghao’s chest.

 

“I brought, like, clothes and stuff.” Is the first thing he’s heard Minghao say to him in person in five and a half months. He sits down in the spot next to him, and Mingyu sits across from Jihoon.

 

“You didn’t have to, I just need to go back to Soonyoung’s. I’m alright, really.”

 

“Jihoon, you only take walks when you’re upset.” Mingyu frowns and leans over the table to rest his hand on top of Jihoon’s.

 

“Why don’t you change, and we’ll grab some food once you’re done?” Minghao hands him the bag and Jihoon nods, drinking the last of his hot chocolate before heading to the bathroom. 

 

They’ve brought him a pair of his own underwear (How? Jihoon wouldn’t know.), some socks, a pair of Minghao’s sweatpants and one of Mingyu’s sweatshirts. There’s a blanket and a plastic bag for his wet clothes as well, and it makes Jihoon smile.

 

He walks back out and sits down in the booth. “For here or to-go?” Mingyu asks with a soft smile, his eyes shining.

 

They end up eating it there. Jihoon learns that they remember his order exactly, down to the no pickles. 

 

The three of them joke and laugh in the McDonald’s like Minghao and Mingyu didn’t leave Jihoon crying on the steps of his apartment building five and a half months ago.

 

“Hey, Jihoon?” Minghao asks, resting his chin on his palm. “D’you wanna get ice cream?”

 

They shuffle out to the car with Jihoon on Minghao’s back and Mingyu holding the umbrella. Jihoon has his hot fudge sundae in one hand and Mingyu’s vanilla cone in the other, and Minghao has his Oreo McFlurry and the bag with Jihoon’s stuff. Mingyu pretends to not see Jihoon not-so-sneakily stealing licks of his ice cream.

 

+

 

Once they’re all in the car, they call Soonyoung. He answers the phone with a stressed  _ “What, Minghao?” _ . They explain that they have Jihoon and they’re going back to the city.

 

“That’s good, alright. God, Ji, I was so worried,  _ fuck _ . I was like an old lady that lost her cat, or something. I was a mom from a novel that’s ‘sick with worry’, Jesus. Please don’t pull that shit again, and at least call me and tell me where you are next time. I thought you  _ died _ , Ji.”

 

“I’m fine, Soonyoung. I’m sorry I made you worry.” Jihoon smiles at Minghao and Mingyu. “How’s Wonwoo? Making lost cat posters? Making soup? Stress reading?”

 

“I’m  _ fine _ thank you, Jihoon.” They hear something that sounds like an angry page turn, followed by a giggle from Soonyoung.

 

“Stress reading.” He stage whispers. Jihoon can hear the fondness in his laugh.

 

“Hey!”

 

“Alright, well, I gotta calm Wonwoo down- yes I do, Nunu. No, that isn’t the vacuum from the Teletubbies! It’s a nickname from the heart! Anyway, I’ll see you guys later! Keep Jihoon safe! He’s the only son I have! Bye!” Jihoon shakes his head, amused smile on his face. Minghao and Mingyu are laughing and Jihoon feels whole again.

 

+

 

Jihoon stays at their apartment that night. “We don’t want you to go out walking again.” Is what Mingyu says when panic flashes in Minghao’s eyes.

 

Jihoon sleeps in between Mingyu and Minghao. For the first time in a long time, he sleeps through the night.

 

+

 

Jihoon wakes up in a bed that’s not his. It takes him a minute or two to process where he is, but once he does, he still doesn’t have a discernable reason as to why, exactly, he’s in Minghao and Mingyu’s bed. He fell asleep on the couch, as far as he knows.

 

“Oh! Good, you’re awake!” Mingyu is standing in the doorway, a mug in each hand. “You still like your coffee the same, right?” Jihoon nods and watches as tension leaves Mingyu’s shoulders. He smiles and offers one of the mugs to Jihoon. “Here, then, you could use it.”

 

“Why am I here? In bed, I mean. I fell asleep on the couch, right?”

 

Mingyu takes a sip of his coffee. “Well, yes, you fell asleep on the couch, and so did we. Minghao woke me up sometime in the middle of the night and we moved in here. We would’ve woken you up earlier, but you looked so tired, Ji.” The nickname slips out, startling them both. It sounds much warmer and more familiar than the forced way Mingyu said Jihoon’s name yesterday. A smile pulls at the corner of Jihoon’s mouth. “Really, when’s the last time you slept for more than two hours? Anyway, we moved you in here last night.”

 

Jihoon nods and drinks his coffee. “What time is it?”

 

“About two?” Mingyu checks his phone. “Yeah, two.” Jihoon nods again.

 

“Where’s Minghao?”

 

“Living room. We can go out there, if you want.” 

 

Minghao lights up when Jihoon walks into the living room. “Good morning! Did you sleep well?”

 

Jihoon softens, “Yeah, great, thank you. You?” It sounds forced. He wrinkles his nose.

 

“Good, better than I have in a while, actually.” Jihoon swallows, nodding slowly.

 

“Wanna go get lunch?” Mingyu asks.

 

“Can we stop by my place first? I need, like, dry shoes and stuff.” Jihoon sets his mug in the sink.

 

“Oh! Yeah, yeah, of course!”

 

+

 

Jihoon sits between Minghao and Mingyu on the subway. Mingyu has a hand on his knee and Minghao has an arm around his shoulders. The contact is hesitant. Jihoon can barely feel it, their hands nearly hovering above him. He just smiles, resting a hand on top of Mingyu’s and leaning his head on Minghao’s shoulder.

 

+

 

They go to what was their usual milkshake place. Jihoon hasn’t been to this side of town in months. They sit in their usual booth, Mingyu beside Jihoon and Minghao across from them.

 

Their waiter seems happy to see them together again. Jihoon has missed Hansol. They catch up and Jihoon learns that Hansol has a boyfriend now. His name is Seungkwan.

 

“He’s so great, Jihoon! He’s funny and pretty and sings and… I might love him? I’m not sure yet, but he really is amazing. He works here part time and sings with his friend Seokmin, which is cool. Seokmin says Seungkwan talks about me a lot.” Hansol shakes his head. “Sorry, I just… Anyway! What do you want?”

 

They decide to get milkshakes with their food. Minghao gets cookies and cream, Jihoon gets vanilla and Mingyu gets strawberry. Jihoon and Minghao hate strawberry. 

 

“For something with  _ actual strawberries  _ in it, it’s awfully artificial.” Jihoon wrinkles his nose.

 

Mingyu laughs, knocking their shoulders together. “It isn’t! It’s good! It’s pink! It’s sweet and fruity and… reminds me a lot of Jihoon, actually.” He snorts as Jihoon punches him lightly in the arm.

 

“I agree with Jihoon on this one, sorry.” Minghao takes a sip of his milkshake.

 

“You don’t count! You’re a strawberry anti!” Mingyu huffs and moves his straw around. Minghao opens his mouth to say something but is interrupted by Hansol returning.

 

“Alright! Here’s your food!” Hansol smiles and sets down the plates.

 

“Hansol! How do you feel about strawberry milkshakes?” Mingyu bats his eyelashes and leans forward, resting his elbows on the table.

 

“Uh? I don’t know? They’re okay, I guess. I don’t really have a strong strawberry milkshake opinion.”

 

“You work at a burger and shake place, how do you not have a strong opinion on strawberry milkshakes?” Jihoon asks.

 

“Why am I being interrogated about my milkshake opinions?” Hansol jokes.

 

“Thank you, Hansol. Someone probably desperately needs a refill. Escape while you can.” Minghao pats Hansol’s shoulder.

 

+

 

Jihoon finds himself not wanting to say goodbye on the subway. He really does not want to leave; not with the way Minghao rubs his thumb along the back oh Jihoon’s hand and Mingyu taps a beat on his thigh.

 

Minghao lightly kisses the back of Jihoon’s hand. Jihoon leans into him with a soft smile on his face. “I’ve missed you.” He sighs and Minghao laughs softly, running a hand through Jihoon’s hair.

 

“Yeah, we’ve missed you too.”

 

+

 

Weeks pass and the three of them slowly put themselves back together. They’re cautious, every movement calculated and every word carefully chosen.

 

They’re careful until one day, they don’t have to be. Everything falls back into place. Minghao and Mingyu move back in with Jihoon, movie nights once again become the regular and Jihoon almost never wears his own jackets.

 

Soonyoung and Wonwoo joke that the world seems brighter, Seungcheol, Jeonghan and Joshua lose the tension in their shoulders and Hansol has never been happier to go to work.

 

It’s all perfect. Until it isn’t.

 

Mingyu finally broke on a cold February morning.

 

Jihoon wakes up with one less person in the apartment than usual and a note on his kitchen counter. He sits on a barstool and begins to read.

 

_ Jihoon and Minghao, _

_          By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. That sounds super dramatic. I’m just moving in with Seungcheol, Jeonghan and Shua for a bit until I find my own place. _

 

_ Okay, I’ve felt this for awhile, but I never knew how to say it. Well, here it goes. _

 

_ I feel like there’s no room for me in this… thing we have. This boyfriends thing. I feel like you two are better off without me, and that really, really sucks. I love you two so much. You make me the happiest I’ve ever been. You guys are my sun and moon, or, maybe, I’m the earth and you two together are the sun. Something like that. _

 

_ I really do love you. I think I always will. _

 

_ I hope one day we’ll find each other again. I hope it works out. Maybe, in another life, we don’t crash and burn. In another life we might fit together. _

 

_ Jihoon, please don’t blame yourself for this. I know you will. It isn’t your fault. This is something I have to work out on my own. Please, please, please don’t blame yourself. I love you so much, Ji. My heart breaks knowing you’ll blame yourself, honey. Stay safe. I’ll find you again if it’s meant to be. I love you more than you’ll ever know. _

 

_ Minghao. I don’t even know where to begin. You’ve been there through so much. I always thought either you’d leave me or we’d end up together… maybe in the suburbs with two and a half kids, three dogs and a white picket fence. Hopefully with Jihoon. I never would’ve guessed this would be our end. I’m sorry it ends like this, I really, truly am. I love you so much more than you could even begin to imagine. _

 

_ I really am forever yours. I hope we aren’t always destined to fall apart. I hope we see each other again. _

 

_            -Mingyu _

 

Jihoon feels vomit rise in his throat. He stumbles back into the bedroom with the note clenched in his hand. He wakes Minghao.

 

“‘S wrong, Ji?” Jihoon just shakes his head and hands Minghao the note. Minghao sits up and Jihoon sits down next to him, leaning on his shoulder.

 

Minghao sits there for a while after he reads the letter. He stands up and spins on his heel to face Jihoon. “This is your fault! If it wasn’t for  _ you  _ I would still have Mingyu! I’d still be happy!”

 

“My fault? How is this my fault? What did I ever do?”

 

“You came back! You wormed your way back in and made us care about you! You drove us apart!”

 

Jihoon swallows. He sits back down on the edge of the bed and stares at his hands. His shoulders shake and Minghao storms out.

 

Jihoon follows him. He stops Minghao right as he reaches the elevator. “Please. Don’t go.” Jihoon’s voice breaks and Minghao turns to face him.

 

“I’m sorry, Jihoon. I didn’t mean it, fuck, I was just…”

 

“Mad. Sad. Upset. The only other word coming to mind is smad, but I get it. I really do,” Jihoon reaches for Minghao’s hand. “We need to be there for each other, you know?” Minghao nods.

 

“Yeah, you’re right.” Minghao sighs. He leans his back against the wall and slides to the floor. “I just- God, I really thought we’d make it, you know? The three of us against the world like we’d always planned. Even after you left, Mingyu and I always thought about it. About you.”

 

Jihoon sinks to the floor and sits beside him. He leans his head on Minghao’s shoulder. “Milkshakes?” Jihoon almost regrets the suggestion. He squeezes his eyes shut.

 

Minghao stands up on shaky legs and offers Jihoon a hand. “We’re gonna need shoes, Ji.”

 

+

 

Hansol senses something wrong before Jihoon and Minghao even sit down. He moves slower than usual, he speaks softer. His bright smile has turned into a worried frown and Jihoon hates being the cause of it. 

 

“Hey.” His voice is quiet. “What do you guys want?”

 

They end up getting two strawberry milkshakes. Hansol’s frown deepens.

 

Jihoon grimaces at the way the milkshake feels going down his throat. Minghao gags and tells Jihoon that it’s awful. Jihoon nods. “Feels like cement. Milkshakes you don’t like tend to do that.” Minghao frowns and takes another sip of his milkshake. He doesn’t gag this time.

 

+

 

Minghao spends the majority of the month on the couch with bottles of Mingyu’s favorite wine. He doesn’t cry, though. He says he’s numb. Jihoon understands. He sits beside Minghao and they split the bottles of wine.

 

Jihoon draws Mingyu in the way he drew Junhui, with lingering regret and ever so present sadness.

 

Minghao adores the drawings. He goes on about how  _ realistic  _ they are and how  _ well  _ they capture Mingyu. Jihoon gives him a sketchbook full of sketches. It stays on their coffee table.

 

+

 

Time goes by and people move on. Jihoon and Minghao have seen Mingyu around. He’s been with Seungkwan’s friend Seokmin lately.

 

“He looks… happy.” Minghao hasn’t moved. He watches them. He watches the way Seokmin smiles at him like he put the sun in the sky just for him and the way Mingyu swings their interlocked hands between them.

 

Jihoon stands beside him. One hand in Minghao’s and the other on his forearm. They stand rooted to the ground. Jihoon can feel his heartbeat in his fingertips. “Yeah. He does.”

 

“What’d we do wrong, Ji?” Jihoon can hear the tremble in Minghao’s voice.

 

“Nothing, Hao. Absolutely nothing. Everything happens for a reason. We’ll find out what it was eventually.”

 

Jihoon used to believe everything happens for a reason, but now, now he’s starting to think the reason is that the universe hates him as much as he hates cold weather. Nothing good comes from cold weather. People die and boyfriends leave. He’s on top of the world only to have his empire crumble to its knees.

 

“We did nothing wrong.”

 

Jihoon looks at Minghao and thinks they’ll be okay in the long run. He really, truly thinks that the two of them will be alright. Minghao clings onto him like he’s an anchor and Jihoon holds back just as tight.

**Author's Note:**

> IM SO SORYRGFHFD AND IM ESPECIALLY SORRY TO CATE, TEA ANNE AND THE JEONGCHEOL GC I LOVE U GUYS
> 
> also ! thanks smsms for all the comments on the last one they were so Sweet n i read them all mwah mwah they made me ! so happy !!!
> 
> hmu on twitter ! (iiysoonwoo)
> 
> xoxo jasey


End file.
